Jaci's Journal

sigh

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 05:04:43 GMT

i'm so emotionless lately. Nothing is interesting and i dont even want to go out anymore. i'm not the happy person i used to be. i'm not eating right, all i do is sleep, i'm failing most of my classes, i havent really talked to my father in ever, i do to many drugs, and i'm a pretty lonely person right now, and all thats going through my head is Eric...

Se'ance

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 21:16:54 GMT

I woke up Satyrday afternoon feeling like shit and went on myspace. i saw some pretty interesting pictures of Eric and Courtney. i tried talking to him about it but he was ignoring me. which mad me really pissed. so i decided to go to Se'ance and hoped it would took my mind off a few thing. i got ready picked up Kimmy and Trance and went. i was sober all night and had a really good time. i sat out on the patio with Skut Chrissy Ali and Chris for a few hours. i met a few new poeple and seeing friends took my mind of alot of things. I got a good work out too, dancing on stage with Chelsea during Rabbit and Hatter's set. Then i went down stairs and chilled back on the patio for the rest of the night. i still had Eric on my mind, but i tried to have a good time still. i think we left at like 2-ish . but as soon as i got out of the club i got accused of cheating on Eric and accused for being fucked up. back to being depressed. i went home and made myself something to eat and sat on the couch for a few hours thinking of everything. i finnally had enough and decide to go to bed.

am i really a bad person..?

Bad Trips

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 21:14:34 GMT

Thursaday me and Eric got into another fight. things havent been going so great. I wish there was some way to show him i'm not a lier or a cheater, or a bad person. i wish there was some way to say him how much i love him..
Thursday night i hung out with Julie, Lindsey, Chance, Keven, Jordan, Dominic, and some other kids and i robo tripped for my first time. NEVER AGAIN. that shit is horrible. You just feel drunk and kinda tripping. it sucked. you feel like shit for a good hour or two and when you wake up the next morning, you feel like your body is going to colapse. and on top of it all it taste like shit. the only reason i even ever decided to take that dumb shit was i was just mad about how i fucked up things between me and Eric.
That same night we bought a 10 strip from Anthony and Me, Julie, Lindnsey, Chance, Keven, and some other kids triped Friday at like 3 in the afternoon.. it was REALLY good visuals, i havent ever tripped that hard, but it was really emotional. which was bad for me cuz i had alot of shit on my mind. it put a different perspective of things. It made me never want to trip again. it also made me realize i'm not going anywhere in life. and mainly, issues with Eric, it also made my thingk that i had no real friends or family. i just wanted to go home all day. finnally like at 12am Chrissy's mom droped me off at home. i walked from the gate and i couldnt even make it inside my house before i started crying. i stay at home alone tripping until like 8 or 9 in the morning Saturday when my dad came home. [ my dad went to some the sleep clinic]. when i walked in the house cleaned my room and bathroom and did laundry, took a shower and made myself some dinner. during all this, all i was thinking was how much i was like my mother. so i blasted some music and tried to forget. finnaly at like 4 in the morning i feel asleep.

Conserta

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 21:07:59 GMT

Tuseday i started to go back on Concerta 18mg. it made me have no appatite, and i lost alot of wieght. its kinda discusting. From Tusday to Friday night i ate one meal. and on top of it i robo tripped Thursday and Friday i took 3 tabs. This Concerta bullshit is making really depressed to, and makes you think alot. and shit between me and Eric arent so good. ='[ . i just want to crawl in a black whole and stay there for the rest of my life..

school

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 20:49:14 GMT

school has been pissing me off. no matter how hard i try i get no where. i'm trying this year and i'm still getting the same grades as last. It was easier not to try and not be dissapointed. No matter what i do i cant get a passing grade, i did all my home work in math took all the test and got like d's and c's and i still have a 67 in his class. same with english. and Chorus. fuck. i dont even know, i did all this work and she still gives me zero's for everything. i swear, i hate my life. I cant wait to get out of Cooper City high. its doing nothing but causing un-needed drama with everything. after this year i'm ganna try to be home schooled again. maybe this year i'll had good enough grades to get schooled online.. then i can probabley graduate earily and have fun for a year and concentrate on a job =]. then i can even move out early and be on my own. damn that sounds nice. =] and then maybe i cant take lessions on tattooing and get my life started already. i sounds REALLY nice.

i hate him

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 04:47:16 GMT

I'm starting to dislike my dad, alot. i really want nothing to do with him. i'm sick of his rediculous rules and his stupidity. i mean i never see him, but when i do its never on a good note. we're always fighting and telling me i'm a bitch and a slut. i'm getting kinda fed up with it. like a perfect example, tonight i was washing the dishes for him and he comes down stairs, starts yelling at me cuz its really late and i told him to shut up, and now i'm a dumb fucking bitch. i swear.. next times he does this it my hand across his face.

Weekend in Orlando

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 00:41:36 GMT

October 12- 14

This weekend i really did have the time of my life. I went to Eric's house and we didnt fight at all!! when i got there we we're at Danny's and i smoked wiht Joe and Justin. we chilled for a lil and then went to get some subways. we went back to Eric's and went swiming for a lil. that night we desided to have the night in but i passed out and didnt really do anything. But Saturday i woke up at 11 and took a shower, got Eric up and told him i'm going to the pool. it was such a beautifulday. the sky was a perfect blue with the occasional white puffy clouds. the was a cool breeze and absoultly no humidity. i was able to lay out in the sun and not sweat so bad. Eric came out like 15mins after i did with beer. we chilled by the pool for an hour or 2 and go a tan. we when back to his house and i got ready to go out while he took a shower. we went out to do something, i cant reamember but when we got back we chilled on his pourch and drank some beer. i was still so pretty out side. and i love when the sun comes down its get a lil cooler. its so comfortable. His friends Mikey came by and later did Joe and alot of other poeple. we started drinking, Eric got a bottle and i was pretty tipsy. a lil later that night eric got the best mushrooms ever! One of the best trips i've ever had. Courtney and TC stoped by and tried to brade his hair right after we ate the shrooms. Then they left. then Hope and Danny stop by for a lil. Everyone was just laughin all night and none off us could stop smiling. his table was covered in beer bottles and i i said something really stupid and they all just laught at me all night. the some how Eric dicided to get the urge to get the mall and i went with him. when he opened his mall box there was a paper that simply said "ARE YOU GANNA?" with a big question mark. for some reason we found that the funniest shit of the night. we didnt ever check the rest of his mail. Me and him went back and went into his roommates room to play halo. everyone that was playing deffinitly didnt take its seriously lol. later i got Eric in the room all alone. we couldnt quite have sex cuz everthing was too funny and he kept getting soft, but i was still pretty amazing. The music was perfect too. well untill Joe and Mikey dicided to bang on the door. so Me and Eric went out of his room for a while and more poeple came over, i cant remember they're names but this one European guy was really drunk and i think he was trying to hit on Eric. It was some funny shit. after that shit started to calm down i think i was like 5 ish in the morning. we finnaly had sex lol and after Eric and me went to Duncan Dounts and got breakfast. after eating we both passed out.

i woke up late and had to rush and get everything together. somehow i didnt take the train and i got my dad to pick me up. that was amazing, i got to spend more time with Eric. =] . i remember when i was going to tell him i asked him" what would you say if i came back to your house." he didnt believe me at first. it was funny. when i got back to Eric's house me and him got pizza. time went by so fast. after we we're done eating. my dad was outside, after getting lost. leaving was horrible. i just slept on the car ride back. School was even worst the next morning.

birthday weekend- i want us to work!

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 00:03:57 GMT

October 18- sucked alot of dick.
i went to school and was really sick. so i went home and did nothing. i didnt even smoke. then i went to get my hair cut and it came out like shit, its so fucking short. & then i was rushed to dinner. the Ark sucks dick. they do not know how the fuck to make food! lol. then i went home and saw Eric for a lil[which was like the highlight of my night. i didnt even get fucked up.

BUT friday was fun i went to star bucks for a lil with Kim Lindsey Adario and some other kids. we walked to Chrissys house and smoked so much!! i was goood. then Eic stoped by Chrissy's and i left with him and slept at his house.

Saturday night sucked. Eric and me started fighting again, then he decided to fuck up some kids car and started a fight. then we started to drink and Eric and me went to his house and he was getting really pissed cuz i was being really nice to him so he said hes going to Joe's and droping me off. tho when he got back to the house we went for a walk.. i dont undstand what goes thur his mind sometimes. i cant believe he always thinks i'm cheating on him. its pretty hypicritical of him. and the whole, my friends are scumy.. i have alot of respect for his friends, even the ones i dislike and i pretend and make the best of it cuz that what your suposed to do right?...when he told me he didnt care anymore.. i heart sunk, i really just wanted to die. he thinks i'm a every shady person. i asked him what i could do to change it, he said dont. he said i was always likethat and that why he was one reason why he was first attracted to me. which makes no fucking sence. i cant understand why we keep on fighting when he comes down!
Also Joe's was talking to me and put alot of sence into my head too, and not just about eric. hes really good person to talk to. he cleared my head alot and answer alot of questions.

should you always work this hard for a relationship to work?
i think its worth it, i mean i love him that much. but is it still right?...

going to orlando

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 02:40:13 GMT

I'm leaving for orlando earily tomoro morning!!! i canttt waitt!! =] the train ride is ganna be kinda boring thooo.Owell. AND i hope when we get there me and eric dont fight, like we have been everytime he comes to visit. i wana have the bestest weekend ever with the boy i'm in love with. i dont understand why we're fighting so much. we never used to fight be4 he moved up to orlando. maybe thats why.. cuz he moved up there. i wish things were back to the way they we're b4 this school year started... ugh. And ontop of it all audri lied to eric and told him a hooked up with this kid. which trust me, never would happen.. i mean if she was in love with somene i wouldnt lie and tell the guys she likes and tell him she hookend up wity someone else. what the hell was that about anyways..?

The Weekend

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 04:29:24 GMT

Eric came down this weekend and we fought... i fucked up. I hooked up with somenoe at x-it and lied to Eric about it. I mean we werent dating or anything. But i did promiss him i would tell him if i hooked up wiht someone. Why am i so stupid. Everything was so perfect. Now he cant trust me, i dont blame him. I dont understand why i felt the need to hook up with someone. I mean i was every fucked up but i love Eric that much that fucked up or not i wouldnt do anything. God. This bothers me so much that i lost his trust.. i really dont ever want to go back to xit anymore. i wish i never went to Hypnotica or at least if i didnt roll none of this would have ever happened. i guess it would be a good desision not to roll unless i'm with people i'm close with so none of this would happen. i really wish there was SOMETHING i could do to prove to him how much i love him and how much a care. why do i have to suck so much at the relationship thing =[.

All Friday to Saturday we fought. it sucked but its good we did. we been needing to talk about this for a while. Saturday we went out for a lil and i ended up talking 3 and a half hits and drank a lil? eric took the other half and drank and it ended up to be one of the best trips i had in a while. we made i back to his hous and chilled in the front for a few hours, while it rains. i had alot of fun for not doing anything.=]Sunday came way to quick.. saying goodbye was ever harder than last time. i swear i feel so dead. i didnt even want to go out. Monday i cam home front school all wet [ i felt like the bigest bitch at school]. i can home smoked and went to bed.